Most people think negotiation begins with a question:
“How do I get what I want?”
That is understandable.
You know what you need. You have a number in your head. You have a target, a deadline, a preference, a boundary.
So, you enter the conversation prepared to defend your position.
But there is a remarkably simple way to think about negotiation that can change the entire conversation:
What do I want?
What do they want?
Now, what do we want?
That third question is where things get interesting.
Because negotiation isn’t simply about me versus you. It is about discovering whether there is an us.
1. What do I want?
Before you negotiate with another person, negotiate with yourself.
What exactly are you trying to achieve? And don’t confuse your position with your interest.
You might say:
“I want $100,000.”
But why?
Perhaps you actually want security.
Or liquidity.
Or a certain return.
Or recognition of the value you bring.
Or flexibility.
Or protection against risk.
The number may be only the visible part of what you want.
This distinction matters because the clearer you are about your underlying interests, the more creatively you can negotiate.
If you only know your position, you have one solution.
If you understand your interests, you may have ten.
So before entering the room, ask:
What do I actually want—and what is non-negotiable?
2. What do they want?
Now comes the part many people skip.
Listen.
Not to find the moment when you can jump in and counter their offer. Listen to understand what is driving them.
What are they trying to protect?
What are they afraid of?
What matters most to them?
What constraint are they working under?
What does success look like from their side of the table?
And perhaps most importantly:
What do they value that I might be able to provide?
This is where negotiation becomes much more sophisticated.
Because people don’t always value the same things.
You might care enormously about price. They might care more about speed.
You might want cash upfront. They might care more about flexibility.
You might want a higher fee. They might want a longer commitment.
You might want certainty. They might want options.
The difference between these priorities is not necessarily an obstacle.
It can be the opportunity.
3. Now, what do WE want?
This is the question that changes everything.
Instead of asking:
“How do I get them to agree with me?”
you ask:
“What outcome would make sense for both of us?”
Notice the shift.
We have moved from:
ME vs. YOU
to:
ME → YOU → US
And suddenly, we’re no longer simply fighting over the same pie.
We’re asking whether we can make the pie bigger—or divide it differently according to what each person actually values.
Imagine you are negotiating with a supplier.
You want a lower price.
The supplier refuses because their margins are already tight.
You could keep pushing. They could keep resisting. And you could spend 45 minutes arguing over $2.
Or you could ask:
“What do we both want?”
Perhaps you want a better price and reliability.
Perhaps they want predictable volume and a longer relationship.
Now a new possibility appears:
“If I commit to a longer contract and predictable volume, can you give me a better rate?”
Suddenly, the negotiation isn’t about who wins the argument.
It is about designing a deal.
The best negotiators don’t only trade money
This is one of the most powerful lessons in negotiation.
Value is not always monetary.
Sometimes you can give something that costs you relatively little but is extremely valuable to the other person.
Maybe they want:
- certainty
- speed
- visibility
- exclusivity
- flexibility
- volume
- a longer commitment
- reduced risk
- convenience
- recognition
- access
- introductions
- a future opportunity
And perhaps you want something completely different.
That’s where the magic happens.
You may be able to give them what they value without giving away what you value most.
That is not manipulation. That is understanding incentives.
The wealthy question: “What can we create?”
There is a deeper lesson here for anyone who wants to build wealth.
Scarcity thinking asks:
“How much can I get from this person?”
Strategic thinking asks:
“What does this person value?”
But wealth thinking asks:
“What can we create together that neither of us could create alone?”
That is a completely different mindset.
It is the difference between seeing negotiation as a battle and seeing it as an opportunity for value creation.
And this applies far beyond business deals.
It applies when negotiating your salary.
Buying property.
Discussing an investment.
Hiring someone.
Working with a supplier.
Structuring a partnership.
Resolving a disagreement.
Even deciding how responsibilities should be divided in a relationship.
The question remains:
What do I want?
What do they want?
Now, what do we want?
But don’t confuse collaboration with weakness
There is an important caveat.
Finding a “we” does not mean abandoning your interests.
It does not mean accepting a bad deal because you want everyone to be happy.
It does not mean being afraid to say no. And it certainly does not mean giving someone everything they ask for.
A strong negotiator knows their BATNA—their best alternative if the negotiation fails.
They know their minimum acceptable outcome.
They know what they can trade.
They know what they cannot.
And they are willing to walk away when the deal no longer makes sense.
That is precisely why understanding the other side is so powerful.
You aren’t negotiating from desperation.
You are negotiating from clarity.
The real power of “US”
The most interesting negotiations often happen when two people discover that their original demands were not the real issue.
The buyer says:
“I need the price lower.”
The seller says:
“I can’t lower it.”
But underneath those positions:
The buyer may need predictability.
The seller may need commitment.
And suddenly there is a conversation.
The breakthrough wasn’t a better argument.
It was a better question.
Before your next negotiation, write this down
Don’t walk into the room thinking only about what you want.
Write three things:
ME
What do I want?
YOU
What do they want?
US
What do we want?
Then ask one final question:
What can I offer that is highly valuable to them but relatively inexpensive for me?
That question can unlock an entirely different level of negotiation.
Because the most powerful negotiator isn’t necessarily the person who walks away with the biggest slice.
Sometimes, it is the person who sees something everyone else missed:
The possibility of creating a better deal for both sides.
And perhaps that is the real art of negotiation.
Not me versus you.
Not winner versus loser.
But:
ME.
YOU.
US.
Salima
Just me thinking out loud over here